


Born to Run

by CPD5021George



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27352276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CPD5021George/pseuds/CPD5021George
Summary: "I quit!" Those were the last words before Jay Halstead left the 21st Precinct of the Chicago Police Department. Jay's had enough. Jay Halstead quits Intelligence, leaving Hailey Upton behind. What had happened? Can she help Jay find his way back? Upstead all the way
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 17
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

“You know what, I might just do that! I quit!” Jay Halstead yelled, smashed his badge on Hank Voight's desk and stormed out of his sergeant's office.  
Without looking left or right, he crossed the Intelligence office and ran down the stairs, past Trudy Platt's desk, out the door.  
He's had enough.  
His colleagues stared at him, but he was gone too fast for anyone to react. After a split second, Hailey Upton stood up, grabbed her jacket and keys and was about to follow her partner, when Hank Voight appeared in the door to his office.  
“Upton, stay!” he barked. “We've got a case. Everyone with me.”  
“But Sarge,” she disagreed, but was cut short by Voight. “I said, we've got a case. Multiple gunshot victims in Little Village.”  
Hailey exhaled audibly, shook her head and followed her colleagues to the cars. She hated it that she didn't have the courage to just leave and follow Jay, but before she could even consider doing that, she was sitting next to Kevin Atwater in the car, and he was driving to Little Village. They didn't talk, Kevin sensed that it was not a good idea to address the topic of Jay leaving right now, and Hailey was not sure what she should say anyway. Her thoughts were in turmoil, and at the same time she tried to get her head together and focus on the case. Voight was in a foul mood, she didn't want to be the next one he snapped at.  
She would go and talk to Jay later, to find out what had happened. There was nothing more important than that. What had happened in Voight's office? They had heard two agitated voices, had heard an argument, but couldn't understand what it was about. Suddenly Jay had jerked open the door and stormed out. She had never seen him this angry, his forehead wrinkled up, his eyes merely slits, his lips pressed together. What had happened?

During the day Voight didn't give her any time to think about Jay. She didn't even have so much as a coffee break, he sent her from one place to the next, gave her task after task. As if he didn't want her to think about Jay, talk to the rest of the team or even ask him. The uneasy feeling didn't go away, of course. Doing this job without Jay just wasn't right. 

She tried to call Jay several times, but he didn't pick up the phone.

At the end of the shift she made another attempt to talk to Voight. When everyone else had left, she approached his door. Voight looked up.  
“What is it, Upton?”  
“Sarge, what happened this morning?” she asked. “With Jay?”  
“Halstead quit.” Voight answered.  
It felt as if the ground had opened up beneath Hailey, she had to steady herself and held on to the door frame. “What?”  
Voight didn't seem willing to tell her more.  
“Sarge, what happened?” Hailey insisted. “Why did he go?”  
“His own decision. He doesn't agree with how I lead the unit. He's gone.”  
“But...”  
“No but, Upton. He's gone.”  
“Sarge, you cannot just let him go,” Hailey pleaded. “Whatever it is, we can work it out!”  
“Upton, that doesn't concern you,” Voight said sharply.  
“Of course it does! He's my partner.” Hailey looked at her sergeant in disbelief. He couldn't just let Jay go, he couldn't. Her mind was racing.  
“Sarge, the guys told me that Lindsay once quite too, and you gave her a few weeks.” That was the one straw she could cling to, the only idea she had to prevent the worst from happening.  
“That was different.”  
“How? Because it was Erin, your almost-daughter? Because *she* could do no wrong?” Hailey snapped, then tried to calm down again immediately. It wouldn't help to fight with Voight. She would only end up without a job too – just like Jay.  
“Careful,” Voight answered, an open threat in his voice.  
Hailey exhaled heavily, waited a few seconds before she continued.  
“Sarge, I just want you to please give Jay some time. We can work this out. We need Jay in this unit. Without him we're four people only, with Vanessa being gone too. And remember, you told him once that one day this unit will be his. You cannot just let him go now. You cannot do that! Please, Sarge!”  
Voight looked at her, thought about what she said.  
“Sarge, please. Don't do that. You know Jay. You know he's a great cop, and he's important to Intelligence. We need him here. You need him. And... and I need him here. We will work this out, I promise.”  
“Hm,” Voight uttered. “Okay, I give him four weeks. The same time I gave Erin back then. If he's not back within four weeks, he's gone for good.”  
“Thank you, Sarge.” Hailey nodded, slightly comforted. She would be able to make Jay come back. She just had to. She couldn't lose him, not Jay. Her partner, her friend, her... Slowly she retreated, left the office, mechanically walked down the stairs.  
Trudy briefly looked up when she heard Hailey, but knew better than to talk to her. Hailey was lost in thoughts, right now nothing she might say would help. Later, perhaps tomorrow, she would talk to Hailey, would try to help her sort this out.

Jay didn't think much when he was running down the stairs, out of the precinct and to his car, and drove away. He was much too angry, too fed up with Voight's behavior to think clearly right now. It was always the same, always. Whenever he disagreed with Voight, whenever he had done something Voight didn't agree with, his reply was either a threat to kick him out or the angry suggestion to leave. As far as Jay knew, Voight never did this with anyone else in the unit, only with him. And he was fed up with this, once and for all. If Voight didn't want him in Intelligence, fine. He'd find something else, another team, another precinct, perhaps another city. A place where he would be treated differently.  
To hell with Voight.

Jay drove around Chicago aimlessly, not knowing what to do with himself or his anger and frustration. He didn't want to think about what had just happened, he wanted to be angry, to yell, to punch something, to drive too fast. Anything to feed his anger. Because if his anger stopped, other feelings would surface. And he didn't want that. He didn't want to listen to fears, sadness, or even reason. He wanted to be angry, with Voight, with the unit, with the world.  
And why didn't his phone ring? Why didn't anyone try to call him, try to ask what was going on? Yeah, he was alone again – like he always was. Nobody cared. 

Sometime later that day Jay found himself in front of Hailey Upton's place, surprised that he had driven here. But it was too early for her to be home. No car was there, no lights switched on. It was obvious that Hailey was still at work. He scoffed impatiently, then drove home.  
When he arrived, he parked the truck and ran inside, shutting the door angrily. He threw the keys on the table, the jacket on the floor, kicked off his shoes and went into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of beer from the fridge. Yes, it was still early, but he was just in the right mood to get drunk. Anything to stop the feeling of anger, loss, sadness. He let himself fall down on the couch heavily and pulled his phone out of his pocket, glimpsed at it.  
Hailey had called, he noticed. Several times. And he hadn't heard it, because it was set to silent mode. Perhaps it was better that he hadn't answered it. He didn't want to talk to her, to explain what had happened, as he didn't quite know it himself. On the other hand, she was the one person he wanted to talk to, he wanted to clear his head with. Still, no use dragging her into this, down with him. This was his own problem. He was used to solving his problems on his own.  
He emptied the bottle of beer in one long swig, got up, threw the bottle in the trash, and grabbed a second one, being fully aware of how stupid that was. How extremely stupid. Getting drunk had never helped. It might make things bearable, however, for the moment. 

He was at his fourth – or fifth? – beer, when there was a knock on the door. Jay flinched, as he just now realized that it was already dark outside and he had no idea what time it was. He mumbled something, unwilling to get up  
“Jay!” he heard a voice that was unmistakable Hailey's.  
“Go away.”  
“Jay, open up!”  
“Hmm.”  
“Jay, you know I've got a key, don't you?” Hailey yelled. “I'm knocking out of sheer courtesy. You won't get rid of me. I'm coming in.”  
Unwillingly, he lifted himself up from the couch, struggling as he noticed the effect of too much beer in too few hours, and kicked down the empty bottles in the process. “All right,” he mumbled. “You win.”  
He went to the door on weak knees, holding on to the wall for support, and when he opened the door, he stumbled and almost fell against Hailey.  
“Whoah!” Hailey reacted quickly, steadying Jay with her body, pushing him inside. She shook her head in disbelief.  
She shoved him back into the living room, barely noticing the mess of empty bottles and clothes on the floor, and made him sit on the couch. Jay let it happen, unable to resist. He leaned back into the couch and squinted at her with bloodshot eyes. “What?”  
“Jay, you're drunk!”  
“Hmm, yeah.”  
“Before you tell me what happened today, I'll make you a coffee,” she decided.  
She left for the kitchen, and Jay heard her prepare the coffee and then go into the bathroom. He heard water running. He closed his eyes, unable to follow what was happening, almost dozed off. He didn't have a chance to sleep, though, because it didn't take long before a cold, wet towel was placed on his face. The gesture was rough and tender at the same time, as if Hailey wasn't sure if she should be angry or worried and decided to go for both.  
“Jay, Jay, Jay,” she repeated his name over and over again, placing the wet towel on his forehead. “Coffee will be ready soon, and then we'll talk, okay?”  
Jay nodded weakly.


	2. Chapter 2

A while later Jay and Hailey were sitting next to each other on the couch, both with a steaming hot cup of coffee in their hands. Jay looked a bit more awake and focused, Hailey watched him, worried.  
“So, do you want to tell me what was going on?” she asked softly, placed a hand on his leg.  
Jay sighed heavily. “Not really.”  
“Jay,” her voice got softer.  
He nodded slowly. “What did you hear?”  
“I heard that you and Voight argued,” Hailey said quietly. “And then you ran away, and Voight was unbearable the whole day.”  
“Yeah.”  
“What happened, Jay?”  
Jay shrugged, drank some coffee. “Voight told me that if I don't like how he runs the unit, I could leave. And I left.”  
“Jay, you can't be serious,” Hailey said, shaking her head slowly. “You know Voight, you've known him for years.”  
“Correct,” Jay replied. “And this wasn't the first time he told me to go. I guess I've had enough.”  
“Oh Jay,” Hailey whispered. “What did you do?”  
“Guess I finally took my life in my own hands again.” He shrugged once more. “I'm just sick of being treated like a stupid little kid.”  
Hailey doubtfully looked at him. “Listen, I made Voight promise that he will keep your spot open for 4 weeks. So let's talk about this when you're sober, okay? And let's try to find a way out of this mess.”  
“Hailey,” Jay objected. “I don't know if I want that.”  
“When you're sober, Jay,” Hailey replied. “And when you slept over it for at least one night.” She rose from the couch. “Can I leave you alone or do you want me to stay?”  
“I don't need a baby sitter.”  
“I didn't say that, Jay. But perhaps you need someone to talk or to not talk?”  
“I didn't ask for that.”  
“You're not making it exactly easy. I think I'll stay for a while longer and then we'll see. Is that okay with you?”  
She wanted to go home and sleep, she had to work the next day after all. On the other hand she didn't feel comfortable leaving him alone. Not in his current foul mood. Well, if necessary she'd sleep on his couch, it wouldn't be the first time. She sat back down next to him, took his hand.  
“Jay, I'm here, if you want it or not. I'm your partner, your friend. And sooner or later we will have to do something about this mess you've got yourself into.”  
“I didn't...”  
“Shh. I know, Jay. We'll talk tomorrow.”  
She leaned back and leaned her head against his. Hailey closed her eyes, trying to calm down her mind. She felt sorry for Jay, saw that he was hurt, but she was also slightly annoyed that he took Voight's words so badly, that he actually wanted to leave the unit... and her. 

Jay didn't know if it was a good or a bad thing that Hailey was here. He wanted to be alone, wanted to wallow in his anger, his despair, he wanted to feel bad. And still, it was comforting to have her here sitting right beside him. To know that she did care. It didn't help his decision to quit, however. As long as he didn't see Hailey, didn't talk to her, he could feel righteous in his impulsive decision to leave the job. But with her here, he realized what he'd lose if he left for good. Hailey was the one person he didn't want to lose. Still, after what had happened this morning, he couldn't go back. 

In the end, Hailey slept on Jay's couch, like she had countless times before. They hadn't talked about what had happened, because Jay plain out refused to say anything. She had set the alarm on her phone early, so when she woke up, Jay was still fast asleep. She wasn't quite sure if she should leave without a good-bye. She needed to go home before she went to work, however, so she decided to make coffee and be deliberately loud in the kitchen. Hopefully it would work and Jay would wake up and join her.  
It worked, and while Hailey was still busy in the kitchen, a clearly tired and hung-over Jay entered.  
“Why so early?”  
“Because I need to go to work, Jay. And I wanted to talk to you before I leave.” Hailey answered. “How are you? Are you sure you don't want to come with me?”  
“I am sure,” Jay mumbled. He leaned against the door frame, squinted at her.  
“Are you ready to talk to me?”  
“No.”  
Hailey could barely stop herself from rolling her eyes at him. “Jay!” she said softly, handed him the coffee.  
“Thanks,” he mumbled and smiled weakly.  
“Listen Jay,” Hailey said. “Please talk to me. Otherwise I cannot help you.”  
“I didn't ask you to help me,” he immediately shut her out, not even knowing himself why he did it.  
“Jay, if you don't want help, then please help me,” Hailey pleaded. “Because I don't want to lose my partner. And if I remember correctly, you once said the same.”  
“I know,” Jay looked down to the floor. “But right now, there's no way back.”  
“There's always a way back, Jay,” Hailey insisted. “If you want it.”  
“Hailey, I've had enough, I cannot take it anymore.”  
Disappointed, Hailey shook her head and put her hand on his forearm. “Please let me help you, Jay. I have to go change and then to work. But I'm always here for you. I'm on your side. So don't push me away, okay? I'll come by after shift and we will talk, okay?”  
“Thanks, Hailey,” he whispered.  
“And Jay? Please don't get drunk again, okay?”  
He mumbled an answer and watched as she finished her coffee, put the mug in the sink and left.  
It took all her strength to walk out his door, because she wanted to stay so bad, wanted to talk to him, to talk some sense into Jay, to force him or even beg him to stay. But instead she walked out the door without looking back. She had no idea how to fix this. How to make two people as stubborn as Jay and Voight come back together.

An hour later she arrived at work, another cup of coffee in her hands. Everyone else was already there, all looked at Voight, who was standing next to the whiteboard, explaining details about the current case. For a second all eyes fixated on Hailey, as she came down the stairs, hoping for a word on Jay, an explanation, or an all-clear. But Hailey didn't say anything, instead she briefly nodded and sat down at her desk. As soon as she sat, she automatically stared at Jay's empty desk, and her heart sank. This couldn't be happening, it just couldn't. How should she stay here without him? And why? She quickly shook her head to push these thoughts to the back of her mind. She needed to concentrate on the case now. It wouldn't help Jay's case if she got into a fight with Voight too.  
The case seemed to be easy, the shooting from yesterday, an obvious suspect on the run. The team needed to find him and prove he had been the shooter. It seemed pretty straightforward, nothing to keep her busy.  
Together with Kim she sat down next door to check surveillance footage, traffic cameras, while Kevin and Adam were out talking to a CI.

At first Kim didn't mention Jay and tried to hide her curiosity. But Hailey noticed the quick glances in her direction, the slight movement of her lips when Kim almost asked the question and decided against it. Hailey managed to ignore it for a while, yet not for long. When they were watching particularly boring traffic camera footage, she decided to speak up.  
“Kim, ask!” she demanded.  
Kim thought for a minute. “Okay. What's with Jay? Where is he? What happened? And why's Voight so annoyed?”  
Hailey smirked and sighed. “Voight and Jay had a fight. I haven't managed yet to get to the bottom of it, but it seems Jay quit. I don't know why yet. Neither of them gave me an actual answer.”  
“No!” Kim interrupted. “That can't be happening! What will we do?”  
“I wish I knew,” Hailey admitted. “I managed to get a four-week delay out of Voight. Meaning I have four weeks to bring Jay back. You can imagine that this won't be easy.”  
“What did Jay say?”  
“Not much. He's just as stubborn as Voight, if not worse,” Hailey replied. “I will go back tonight after shift. Probably something about the case.”  
“This must be killing you. Hailey, if there's anything we can do, let me know, okay?”  
Hailey nodded. “Thanks. Now let's get back to business, before Voight notices we're not concentrating on the case.”  
“Sure,” Kim agreed. “I hope you don't mind if I tell the guys, do you?”  
“Go ahead.”

When Kevin and Adam came back, though, there was no time to talk about Jay. They had received some new information from their CI, and this meant more digging in computer files and surveillance videos. Finally, in the late afternoon they had an actual lead and drove to Humboldt Park, where their suspect had last been seen. When they entered the abandoned store in a side street, they found their suspect, high on drugs, and it was easier than expected to bring him in.  
“Sarge, I need a personal, would you mind?” Hailey approached Voight when their suspect was safely in Adam's car.  
“Not possible,” Voight declined her request. “We need you for the interrogation.”  
“But Sarge...”  
“Stop it, Upton. You'll stay.”  
It was obvious that Voight knew Hailey wanted to go back to Jay, talk to him. And for some reason he didn't want her to do that. Before Hailey could give him an answer that was out of place, though, Kevin approached her from behind, put a hand on her shoulder and almost pulled her away without a word. Frustrated, Hailey turned around and left together with Kevin.


	3. Chapter 3

Jay was about to go back to bed when Hailey left, but instead he put on his running shoes and left for a long run. A really long run of almost three hours. Perhaps that would clear his head. When he started running, his head was still spinning, he felt the hangover from too much alcohol, felt the loss, the anger, and something like despair. He ran fast, to run away from all of it. After a while he slowed down, fell into a trot, started noticing his surroundings. He was in Hailey's neighborhood – again. Without even thinking his feet had taken him in her direction, even though he knew she wasn't home. He would miss her the most if he stuck to his decision to quit, he was sure of that. Everything else he could live with, but not with the thought of never seeing Hailey again. And that would eventually happen. With a job like theirs, the long hours, it was almost inevitable that you lost contact to everyone outside of this bubble. If he quit the police, he would leave this bubble for good, sooner or later they would stop seeing each other, wouldn't have anything to talk about anymore.   
That was not what he wanted. But was it enough to cave in, to once again go back and apologize, apologize even though he had done nothing wrong? Why should he? Nothing ever changed between him and Voight. From the start Voight had treated him differently than the others. It was always “go if you don't like it here” or “if you don't do what I want, I'll kick you out.” He had never said this to anyone else in the unit. Even when he was angry with Hailey, or somehow disappointed in her, he hadn't said that. Mind you, he had sent her to New York, to the FBI, to get her back on track. But there was never any doubt that he wanted her back in Chicago and in Intelligence. What was it that made him treat Jay so differently?  
Most of the time Jay could live with that, but yesterday it had been too much. Voight telling him again “if you don't like my way of handling things, feel free to quit” had been the last straw.   
Did he want to leave Intelligence? No, he didn't.   
But did he want to stay and always be Voight's punching bag? Hell, no.   
What would he do? Jay had no idea. 

He ran and ran until his head was blank and his body was tired. When he came home he took a long shower and lay down on his couch, where he fell into an uneasy sleep. He even dreamed, which was something that almost never happened. He dreamed of his army days, of Intelligence, of their cases, his head-to-heads with Voight over cases, even over Erin, and of Hailey. Her face appeared again and again in his dreams, the only good thing. Eventually he woke up, sweating, disoriented, almost feverish. It was dark outside, and it had been a knock on his door that had woken him up.   
“Jay, open up!” he heard Hailey's voice.   
“Gimme a second,” he answered, hastily got up and tried to bring himself and his living room into a presentable state. Still slightly disoriented he moved to the door and opened it.  
Hailey's eyes widened when she saw him, even though she quickly had herself under control again. Jay didn't look good, his hair was tousled, his eyes bloodshot and without the usual shimmer.   
Jay stepped back to let her enter, when he saw Kevin, Adam and Kim behind her. Oh no, not that! Hailey gave him an apologizing look and put a comforting hand on his chest, as she immediately noticed that he didn't want the others here.   
Jay turned around and returned to the living room, the other four followed him.   
“So?” he asked when he sat back down on the couch.  
“What happened, Jay?” Kim asked.  
“Jay, where were you today?” Kevin added. “Do you need a time-out?”  
“Guess I quit,” Jay answered and ran his fingers through his hair.   
“You did what?” Adam said.  
“Yeah, I quit.”  
“Man, why would you do that?” Adam asked in disbelief.  
“I can't work with Voight anymore, that's why.”  
“Are you kidding me?” Adam said, louder now. “This is a dream job, the best unit in Chicago. Why would you throw that away? And what's with Voight? You've known him for ages, he hasn't changed.”  
“Well, perhaps I have,” Jay answered. “Perhaps I can't handle being treated like an idiot anymore.”  
“But...”  
“Adam, leave it.”  
Adam shrugged, grabbed a bottle of beer from the six-pack Kevin had just put on the table.  
“Guys, I'd rather be alone,” Jay mumbled.  
“Not gonna happen,” Hailey answered with a soft smile, as she sat down next to him. “We'll make sure the others leave soon, promise,” she whispered in his ear. Jay nodded and gave her a thankful glance.  
“What happened, Jay?” Kim asked.   
“Voight and I had an argument,” Jay said. “He told me to leave if I didn't like the way he runs things. I left. End of story.”  
“But, Jay!” Kim answered. “You know he didn't mean it like that.”  
“You think?” Jay's voice was sharper now. “Could have fooled me.”  
Hailey squeezed his arm reassuringly, but didn't say anything. She knew Jay well enough to see perfectly well when she wouldn't gain anything by talking. He would open up to her eventually, just not now, not with the others around.   
“Buddy, I hope you know what you're doing,” Kevin just said, shaking his head.   
Jay just shrugged, unwilling to continue this discussion.  
The others tried to get more information out of him, but Jay had shut them out completely. He leaned back against the couch, held his bottle of beer, and whenever someone addressed him, he took a swig instead of answering. Therefore it didn't take long before Hailey and Kim decided that Kim and the guys should leave. As Kim shoved them out the door, Hailey followed her.  
“Will you take care of him?” Kim asked Hailey.  
Hailey nodded serenely. “I will. Sorry, Kim. But you know Jay, he's so stubborn sometimes. There's no way you can make him talk if he doesn't want to. And making him do something is even less possible.”  
“Don't worry, Hailey. It's fine. It's a guy thing, I guess. Kev and Adam don't usually discuss their issues either, as you know. But I know Jay talks to you.”  
“I'll stay, you can be sure of that.” The women smiled at each other in understanding, before Hailey returned back to Jay's living room.  
“You wanted them to feel unwelcome, didn't you?” she asked Jay with a grin.   
“The only way to get rid of them.”  
“Jay!” Hailey gave him a stern look. “You know they are your friends, don't you?”  
“I guess.”  
“Jay, it's me, you can stop being grumpy.”  
“Sorry, Hailey. I just don't feel like Mr. Sunshine right now.”  
“I know, Jay. And that's fine. Would you please tell me now what happened yesterday?”  
“It's not that easy, Hailey,” Jay answered.   
Hailey didn't reply, just looked at him patiently. Pushing Jay would not take her anywhere, but she needed to know, so she could help him. So she waited.   
Jay was grateful for Hailey's presence. He didn't want to talk about the day before, he wanted to leave everything behind, or just forget that yesterday had ever happened. No, he didn't want to throw away his job – his dream job – or his partnership with Hailey, but right now he couldn't turn back. He just couldn't. 

After a while, he began to talk. Very slowly at first, very hesitant, but it got easier with every word. It was all about the case they had been working on for a while now. A triple homicide, a family of three had been brutally slaughtered in their own house. They had a lead; yet there was no evidence. The case was high-profile, in the spotlight because of the sheer brutality. The suspect was a former family friend, who seemed to have lost contact with the family after a joint business had gone bankrupt. Wills, the suspect, had a violent temper, and there were several cases of assault linked to his name. He had no alibi for the time of the murder, and he had a motive. But there was no clear evidence that put him in the family's house or even close by, no murder weapon had been secured, no fingerprints or DNA evidence. Intelligence, mainly Voight, was convinced that Wills was the killer. And he wanted to make him confess. He wanted to put pressure on Wills' estranged son. They had found out that while Wills was trying to make amends, his son didn't want to have any contact with his father, rejected all his attempts to reconcile. Voight planned to bring in the son, as there was one open arrest warrant for a minor felony. Something he could use to blackmail Wills senior with.   
Jay was against it, and the argument got loud and aggressive. Jay didn't want the son to be drawn into it. He had a family of his own, a wife and three young kids, was clean except for this old, open drug-related felony, which would most probably not even lead to a conviction.  
And then the fateful sentence fell. “If you don't like how I handle things, feel free to quit, Jay.”  
And Jay quit.   
He still felt it was a justified reaction, even though he also wanted to turn back the clock and undo it. But he was too proud – and too angry – to just go back and apologize.


	4. Chapter 4

When Jay had finished talking, he lifted his head, looked at Hailey. He expected her to be mad at him, to try and talk him out of it. But Hailey remained quiet. She returned his look, her eyes locked with his. Jay could see the worry in her eyes, and he knew she could see right through him, she saw the hurt, the frustration, the anger, and the fear. Fear was the one thing he wouldn't show anyone else. Jay was grateful that Hailey didn't say a word.  
Instead she went into the kitchen and made tea. That gave Jay enough time to gather his thoughts, to calm down again after talking so much. And it gave her time to think about what she could say or do. Or so she hoped. In fact she had no idea how she could help Jay.   
When she came back into the living room, she handed Jay a mug of hot sweet tea.   
“So?” she asked finally.   
Jay shrugged.   
“Jay, I know you don't want to leave Intelligence,” Hailey slowly said.   
“I'm not so sure about this,” he admitted.   
Hailey tilted her head, looked at him. “Jay, I don't pretend to know what to do, or how to change your mind. But I know that I don't want to lose my partner.”  
Now Jay nodded silently.  
“Take a few days to let everything sink in, Jay,” she suggested. “Perhaps with some distance you'll find a way back.” She put her hand on his arm. “Jay, I understand how frustrated you are, so perhaps it helps to take a step back. Okay?”  
“I don't know if I want to go back.”  
“I know, Jay. But until you tell me to stop it, I will stay by your side.”  
“Hailey, I didn't ask for that.”  
Okay, Jay was beginning to shut down, she had to tread lightly now. “Jay, I'm doing this for myself as much as for you.”  
Jay just grunted an answer. He knew this wasn't nice or friendly or the right thing to do, he knew Hailey was on his side, but in this moment he was in such a foul mood that he was about to refuse her help all together, he barely managed to stay quiet.  
Hailey noticed, she noticed how his mood had changed for the worse, and if she said one wrong word, Jay might say something he'd surely regret later. And knowing Jay, apologizing was not his strong side. So she'd better avoid any confrontation. She nodded.   
“It's late already, I will leave you alone now,” she announced. “Want me to come here tomorrow after work?”  
Jay shrugged, he just couldn't help himself. He wanted to tell Hailey to stay, to help him, but he was unable to say anything all of a sudden.   
“Right,” she said quietly. “I'll see you then.”  
Jay didn't walk her to the door, he simply watched her leave, without turning back to him. His mind yelled, “Don't let her go!” but his body plain out refused, seemed paralyzed until long after she was gone. What was going on with him?

Hailey drove home, disappointed and discouraged. What had just happened? Jay had talked, he had opened up to her, he seemed to be ready to let her help him, and then all of a sudden it was as if he had shut a door, built huge walls around himself, and she was out. This was more difficult than she would have imagined. Jay must be deeply hurt to fall back into a behavior they had left behind a long time ago, or so she had thought. She would have to give Jay some space, she decided. Not see him for a few days, until he was ready for her help. As much as it hurt. They still had almost four weeks to make this right, and while that wasn't a lot of time, it was enough time to step back for a bit.

That was exactly what she did. For the rest of the week, Hailey didn't drive to Jay's place after work, didn't call him, but gave him the space he might need. It wasn't easy, it was the most difficult thing she could imagine. Every day she stared at his empty desk, all the time she looked at her phone, hoping he had tried to contact her, every night after work she forced herself not to drive to his place or to call him. 

For Jay these days went by in a daze. While he refrained from getting drunk again after that first night, he didn't have a regular, organized daily routine. He went to bed when he felt tired, which could be at 8pm or at 4am, he got up when he woke up and felt like it, be it 6am or 1pm. Sometimes he went out for a run, but most of the time he was sitting on his couch, brooding. How he wished Hailey would be here with him. But he knew perfectly well that it was his fault she wasn't here, that he had pushed her away. He knew he needed to call her, if he wanted to maintain the slightest chance to get back to 21st, or to keep her in his life. But right now he couldn't, he just couldn't.

Friday morning, when Hailey arrived at the precinct, Trudy held her back on her way upstairs.   
“Upton, over here,” she ordered in her usual, barking voice that sounded a lot less friendly and caring than she actually was.   
“What is it, Sarge?” Hailey immediately turned to Trudy's front desk.   
Trudy gave her a slightly annoyed look, the one that was so typical for her. “What's going on, Detective?”  
“Nothing, we're working on the case, we seem to...”  
“Don't do that, Hailey,” Trudy interrupted her. “You know exactly what I'm asking about. Where's Jay?”  
“You know where Jay is,” Hailey answered, sounding more confident than she was. But there was no way Voight wouldn't have told Trudy about Jay quitting.  
“Where is Jay?”  
“Voight didn't tell you?” Hailey answered evasively.  
Trudy rolled her eyes.   
“Jay quit,” Hailey said weakly, almost afraid to acknowledge what Jay had done. “He had a fall out with Voight and he quit.”  
“And what are you doing about this?” Trudy asked.  
“Me?”  
“Hailey, if anyone can undo this stupid, stupid thing Jay and Hank did, it's you.”  
“I'm not so sure, Trudy,” Hailey admitted.   
Meanwhile they had moved to the back room, where nobody could interrupt or overhear them.  
“Jay shut me out, he doesn't want to talk to me, or to anyone.”  
“I see,” Trudy said slowly. “But that's Jay. You know that better than anyone.”  
“But what can I do? If I push too hard, Jay's gone. You know him.”  
“Hailey, you can't just let him go,” Trudy insisted. “This unit needs him. Voight needs him. This unit needs two people to not always agree with Voight, strong people like you two.”  
“I agree, but why does Voight treat him like that then? I mean, this wasn't the first time, I know that. But this time... this time it just blew up completely. They had their disagreements before, fought before, but this time... I have never seen Jay as angry and as disappointed as this time. Why? Why does Voight treat him like that?”  
“Because...” Trudy paused. “Because Jay's competition. He knows he needs Jay, but he's just as strong and stubborn as him, and his convictions are as strong as Hank's. These two need to lock horns. And my guess is, Jay knows, deep down he knows. He knows why Hank treats him like that, but he also yearns for his approval. Not sure why it escalated so badly this time, however. You know Jay better than me.”  
“But what do I do, Trudy?” Hailey asked weakly. “I'm lost here. Voight doesn't talk to me anyway, and Jay shut me out too. I need help.”  
Trudy nodded. “We'll figure something out, Hailey. We need to get Jay back.”  
“But how?” Hailey knew she sounded desperate, and she was close to tears.   
“Meet me at lunchtime, if you can, and we'll think about it.”  
Hailey nodded. “Thanks, Trudy.”  
“Now go upstairs.”

Lunchtime came later than expected, since Hailey was out talking to a CI that morning. So it was actually closer to end of shift that she returned to Trudy's front desk, handed the sergeant a coffee.   
Trudy acknowledged the coffee with a nod, turned around and went to the back room with Hailey.   
“I assume Jay didn't call?”  
“No,” Hailey answered. “He didn't. As expected.”  
“The only idea I have,” Trudy started. “Is to make them talk.”  
“But how? Jay won't even come here. And Voight doesn't go to Jay's place.”  
“We need them to meet on neutral ground,” Trudy said. “Are you free tomorrow, or are you working?”  
“Free.”  
“Good. You think you can convince Jay to come with you?”  
“I can try.”  
“Upton, you can do more than that!”  
Hailey smiled weakly. “I used to think so, Trudy. But Jay hasn't talked to me all week.”  
“Listen, Hailey. I'll talk to Mouch and see if we can meet at my place. I'll text you time and address.”  
No objection accepted.  
“Okay,” Hailey just said. “I'll wait for you then.”

That evening Hailey called Jay, finally, not sure if he'd even answer her call. But he did, even faster than expected. After the first ringtone, he was on the phone.  
“Hailey?” His voice still sounded dejected, but Hailey could hear a tiny ray of hope, of happiness that she was on the line.   
“Jay, do you have plans for tomorrow?”  
“Why would I?”  
“Then can I pick you up at 10?”  
“What for?”  
“You'll see, Jay.”  
“Hailey, you know how I hate surprises.”  
“I know, Jay,” Hailey smiled softly. Of course she knew. “So can I?”  
“I guess so,” Jay agreed reluctantly, then paused for a minute. “Want to come over tonight?” he then asked – quickly, as if he was afraid he'd change his mind.  
“Sure,” Hailey's smile widened. So there was still some hope. “Shall I bring pizza?”  
“Hmm,” Jay just answered, already unsure again if it was a good idea.  
“See you in an hour.” Hailey ended the call before Jay could take back his invitation. He had reached out! Jay had reached out to her! Just a tiny bit, but that was enough for her.


	5. Chapter 5

Hailey arrived at Jay's place in a better mood than she had been in all week.   
There was still hope.   
Trudy was on their side.   
Jay wanted to see her.  
She had a small overnight bag in her hands. Perhaps it would be a good idea to stay on Jay's couch, just to make sure he'd actually come with her in the morning.

When Jay opened the door, Hailey had to try hard not to flinch. He didn't look good at all. Unshaven, disheveled curly hair, dressed in sweatpants and a – clearly old, but at least clean – t-shirt.   
The worst were his eyes, though. The usual sparkle in his green eyes was gone, they looked dull and discouraged. Only a tiny smile appeared on his face when he saw her, a tiny bit of relief.   
“Hey,” she said softly.  
“Hey,” he answered in the same voice, stepping aside to let her enter. When he saw the bag in her hand, he looked surprised.  
“I figured I might keep you company until tomorrow morning,” Hailey explained cautiously. “If you want me to.”  
“Hmm.”  
She handed him the boxes with the pizzas and shoved him back into the living room. It didn't look as bad as she had expected. No empty bottles, no empty pizza boxes, no piles of dirty clothes. Just a blanket on the couch, a cup of coffee on the table. She nodded. That was good.  
Jay put the pizza on the table and looked at her. “So?”  
“It's good to see you,” Hailey said softly, ignoring his indecisive mood. “I missed you.”  
Jay nodded slowly. “I missed you too,” he whispered, barely audible.   
Hailey decided to throw her caution in the wind and wrapped her arms around him for a hug. They had never hugged before, not even when she had come back from New York, when life had been so much easier, when they almost...   
Jay was surprised to say the least, at first he didn't even react to her embrace, as if he didn't know what to do. But he quickly relaxed, tentatively put his arms around Hailey. “Thank you,” he whispered.   
Before it got awkward, Hailey stepped back, got herself a coke from the fridge and sat down on the couch next to him. The blanket was meanwhile placed neatly on one of the chairs. Nervously Jay's hands ran through his hair, as he watched her come back and sit down next to him.   
“What's that about tomorrow?” he asked insecurely.   
“Perhaps a way out of this mess?” Hailey answered.   
“That's all you want to tell me?” There was a hint of that slightly amused look in Jay's face, the one Hailey liked so much.   
“Yes, Jay. Otherwise you might back out.” She knew Jay might have an idea they would meet with Voight, but neither wanted to talk about this. She decided to keep it light tonight, to help Jay relax a bit.   
“You know that you need a shower, don't you?” she asked teasingly.   
Jay rolled his eyes. “I know, Hailey. But I didn't expect company tonight, so...”  
He took a slice of his pizza, had a bite. “You got my favorite.”  
“Sure I did,” Hailey smiled at him. “What did you expect?”

They didn't talk about what had happened, what would happen the next day, only chatted a bit, Hailey switched on the TV – all to make the tension go away. The tension between the two of them, and the tension in Jay's body and mind.   
“So, can I sleep on your couch tonight?” Hailey asked.  
“Sure you can,” Jay said. “I'll even get you a clean blanket and a pillow.” He didn't want to admit it, but he enjoyed having her around, and he liked the thought that she would be here over night.   
He didn't even flinch, when she leaned comfortably against him. It felt too good, too comforting. 

The next morning Jay was up at dawn, long before he had planned to wake up Hailey. So he quietly took the shower Hailey had requested, and for the first time in days he shaved, combed his hair properly, dressed in something else than sweats. Perhaps things would be back to normal later today. He wasn't quite sure what Hailey had in mind, where she wanted to take him. He had an idea, but that was it. And Hailey didn't say anything either, she woke up when Jay came downstairs and made coffee, vanished into the bathroom, and when she returned she gratefully took the coffee Jay handed her.   
They briefly smiled at each other, both nervous about the day, both insecure. Jay because he wasn't sure what was about to happen, and Hailey because she was not sure at all if Trudy's plan would work. 

When they arrived at Trudy's place, Jay looked at her questioningly. He had expected a lot, but not Trudy's place. It was a good sign, he decided. Perhaps just a talk? Perhaps Hailey had asked Trudy to convince him to go back? He followed Hailey inside, actually happy to see Trudy's face. Trudy was one of his favorite people in 21st, someone he trusted, and in whose judgment he trusted too. His good mood vanished, however, when he entered the large kitchen and saw Hank Voight sitting there. He felt trapped, betrayed. He looked at Trudy, then at Hailey, whose face showed compassion and worry for him.   
Voight seemed to feel like Jay, because his facial expression showed an instant mood change for the worse when he saw Jay.  
“Sarge,” Hailey shortly said.  
“Upton,” Hank answered with a short nod. “Halstead.”  
Jay nodded silently and sat at the opposite side of the table, as far away from his Sergeant as possible.   
“So...” Trudy started talking into the thick tension.   
“Thank you, Trudy,” Hailey added. “For this.”  
“What's this supposed to be?” Jay interrupted, covering his insecurity with aggression. “An intervention of some kind? You think I need that?”  
“Jay,” Hailey put a comforting hand on his arm. “Jay, Trudy and I are worried, and we want to help. We thought you two might want to talk about what happened. Perhaps we find a common solution” She looked from Jay to Voight and back.   
“There is nothing to talk about,” Voight said. “I said what I said.”  
“Great,” Jay replied. “So why are we here again?”  
“Hank!” Trudy quietly said.  
“Well, my detective doesn't like the way I handle things,” Voight grumbled. “He should be glad he's part of this unit. But instead he questions my decisions,” his voice was louder now. “He questions my decisions, goes against my orders, and then he decides to quit.”  
“It seems that was exactly the right decision,” Jay spat out. “I'm tired of always being your punching bag. It seems you prefer people that never question you and always do exactly what you say. I can't give you that. I'm not that guy. And you've known that from the start.” Jay's voice was still quiet, but it was colder now.   
“And if you can't deal with that, you're in the wrong unit.”  
“Right, that's why I quit.” Jay said dead calm.  
That was not how Hailey and Trudy had wanted this to go. Before either of them could react, Jay stood up, almost kicked his chair to the ground, and headed for the door.  
“Hank, why?” Trudy asked Voight. “Why did you do that?”  
Voight didn't answer.  
Hailey looked at her Sergeant, disappointed, but didn't say anything to him. She didn't want to risk her job, and she didn't know what she could say.   
This was Trudy's specialty, only she might be able to get through to Voight. She knew that she was the only one to get through to Jay, and she still wanted to get him back into the unit.   
She grabbed her jacket and Jay's, which he had forgotten, and ran outside, following Jay.   
“Jay,” she yelled after her partner, who had already passed her car and was running down the street. “Jay, wait!”   
He still didn't listen, the distance between the two of them became larger.  
“Jay, please wait!” she yelled one last time. The desperation in her voice seemed to finally reach his mind.   
He stopped, looked at her, barely suppressing his anger. “What for?”  
“Jay, please!” Hailey was now standing close to him.   
“Why did you do that?” he asked. “It was clear from the start that this wouldn't work. Not with Hank! He would never admit making a mistake.”  
“And neither would you, Jay,” Hailey replied quietly. She had put her hand on his arm, to prevent him from running away again.   
“Hailey, seriously, why do you bother? Just let me go. The unit is better off without me.”  
“No, it's not, Jay,” she answered softly. “Jay, we can't lose you. I can't lose you. You're...”  
“You'll do just fine,” he said, still angry, but calmer now. “And I will too.”   
He slowly pulled his arm away from her touch, Hailey noticed.   
“No, Jay, I won't do fine,” she said insistently. “You're my partner, my best friend. I need you, Jay.” She paused, having his full attention now. “Jay, I love you, dammit. Don't do that to me.”  
Jay flinched, stared at her. He had expected a lot, but not that. He shook his head, faster and faster. This couldn't be happening. Not here. Not now. Not like this.   
He couldn't handle this.   
He broke away from her touch completely, turned around and ran. Ran as fast as he could.


	6. Chapter 6

Hailey watched Jay run away, around the corner and out of her sight, his jacket still in her hands; she was too stunned and shocked to react or to follow him. What had she just said? Why? What was she thinking? This was not supposed to happen!  
She stood frozen in her place, right there on the pavement, staring in the direction where Jay had vanished. She didn't know how long she had been standing there, when suddenly an arm touched her shoulder. She slowly turned around, too shocked still to even flinch.   
“Hailey, what happened?” Trudy asked softly.  
“I... I... I think I made a big mistake.”  
“Come back inside,” Trudy suggested.   
“I can't deal with Voight now,” Hailey objected weakly. “If I face him now, he'll fire me for sure.”  
“Hank's gone home. Mouch is with him, trying to talk some sense into him.” Trudy calmly said. “Come back inside.”  
Hailey allowed Trudy to guide her back along the street, up the few steps and into the cozy living room. She put a cup of hot coffee on the table, guided Hailey towards a chair.   
Hailey sat down and took the cup in her hands, felt the comforting warmth and drank some coffee. Right now she didn't feel like the tough cop she was, but like a scared child that had done something terribly wrong and was looking for a way out.  
“And?” Trudy asked after a while.  
“Jay ran away. After...”  
“After what?”  
“I... told him we need him in Intelligence,” Hailey reluctantly said. “I told him that I need him. And... and I told him that I love him.”  
Trudy only nodded, not the slightest bit surprised. “I know.”  
“What?”  
“I know, Hailey,” she repeated. “Everyone knows.”  
Hailey rolled her eyes. “Seriously?”  
“Don't be embarrassed, Hailey. You love Jay, Jay loves you. You're just too scared to admit it. Not to yourself. Not to each other.”  
“You think? You think he loves me?”  
“Of course he does.”  
“But why did he run away?”  
“Because he's just as scared as you are.”  
Hailey couldn't believe it. Here she was, discussing relationships with Trudy. She would never have imagined that. Not in her wildest dreams. But perhaps it was a good thing. Today was the first time she ever said that she loved him, admitted that she loved him not just because he was her partner.   
“And now?”  
“Now you give him some time. I'm sure he'll come around. And if he doesn't call by tomorrow, you'll call him. Don't let him slip away.”  
“And what do we do about the unit?”  
“That's more difficult.”  
“Oh, is it?” Hailey couldn't stop herself from being sarcastic and Trudy's reaction was a slightly unnerved look.  
“Sorry.”  
“I don't know what Mouch can do about Hank. It seems both Hank and Jay are even more stubborn than I would have thought. I know he doesn't want to lose Jay, but he is who he is. I will do all I can, Hailey. And you go and clarify things with Jay. He's worth it.”  
“I don't want Jay to come back and apologize, just to stay in the unit.” Hailey said. “I want them to solve this issue once and for all. Jay is really hurt and depressed, and I don't want him to just give in, over and over again. I know Voight is his boss, and has the last word, but it's not working anymore. Not like this.”  
“I get you, Hailey. And I agree.”  
They both fell silent, stared into their coffees. Hailey still had to process what she had told Jay – and Trudy, and it frightened her. 

Hailey returned home in the early afternoon. She had spent some more time at Trudy's, but left when Mouch returned. Both Hailey and Jay had taken too much time of one of their rare weekends off together, she didn't want to overstay her welcome. And she wanted to be alone.  
Thinking about what had happened made her feel sick, all of it. The fight between Jay and Voight, as short as it had been, it was worrying. Both were so stuck in their own view of things, everything had escalated so quickly this morning. Hailey had no idea how they could ever reconcile again.   
And of course her own confession. Totally out of the blue, before she had even known what she would say, she told Jay that she loved him.   
Now it was out in the open that she loved Jay Halstead. More than a friend, more than a partner.   
And Jay had run away.   
Sure, Trudy had said that Jay loved her too, but was that true? Even if it was true, would he be willing to act on it? His last relationship within the unit had ended in a disaster, had left him heartbroken. Would he want to risk it again, risk their friendship? Well, she had taken care of that. After today there was no going back to what had been before.   
Hailey decided to follow Trudy's advice and wait. She kept herself busy cleaning her house, even though it wasn't necessary at all, but it gave her something to do. When that was done, she switched on the TV, switched it off again, took a book, put it back on the table, stared at the blank wall. She couldn't forget Jay's face when she told him. That frozen look on his face. 

A knock on the door drew her out of her thoughts. Reluctantly she looked in that direction, stood up, crossed the living room. It had only been one – loud – knock, nothing more. Through the door she saw the silhouette of a man – well, not any man, Jay. She sucked in the air heavily, before she opened the door, very slowly, almost reluctantly. This was it. Now Jay would tell her everything was over and he would move to Alaska – or something like that.   
The look on Jay's face, however, mirrored her feelings. He looked scared, irritated, insecure.   
She opened the door completely, stepped aside to let him enter. As soon as he was inside, she quickly closed the door, as if she expected him to turn around and run. She expected Jay to head for the living room, but instead he had stopped and stood in the hallway, very close to her.  
“Did you mean it?” he asked quietly, staring at her with big eyes.  
Her heart started beating faster. These eyes alone made her love him even more, there was no denying it.  
“Yes.”  
Jay nodded.   
He nodded!   
Nothing else.   
“So?” Hailey finally asked, sounding bolder than she felt, raising her eyebrows.  
No reply.  
She decided that she needed to resolve this now. “So, will you run again? Or will you stay and talk to me?”  
Jay closed his eyes, leaned against the wall. Looked down, then up again, right into her eyes.  
“No, I won't run,” he said hoarsely. “I feel the same.”  
She raised her eyebrows once more, waited for him to continue. It took a while until Jay understood, he nodded, and a soft, tentative smile appeared on his face.   
“I love you too, Hailey.”  
She smiled at him. Despite the strange situation she was ridiculously happy.   
“Come in, Jay.”   
As she wanted to walk back into the living room, he held her back and simply took her in his arms. Without a word he pulled her closer, and she wrapped her arms around him in return, pressed her head against his shoulder, felt his arms around her. Right now that was all they both needed.   
They stood right there, motionless, for several minutes, both slowly realizing what was happening, both drawing new strength from each other.  
“And now?” Jay asked after a while. “I mean, it's not like everything is all sunshine and roses now, isn't it?”  
“No, it isn't,” Hailey admitted with a weak smile. “Come in, let's have a drink and talk.” She took his hand in hers and together they went inside. Jay sat down on the couch without hesitation, while Hailey grabbed two beers from the fridge and joined him quickly. She sat down next to him, closer than usually. When they had opened their beers, Jay put his arm around her shoulders. He needed that. He needed to feel her close now. The only good thing in his life right now.   
“I'm sorry, Jay,” Hailey said.   
“For what?”  
“For forcing you to talk to Voight. I should have know that it's not a good idea.”  
“No, you both meant well,” Jay disagreed. “It's just... more complicated than that.”  
“What can I do, Jay?” Hailey asked. “What can we do?”  
“I wish I knew.”  
“Jay, the unit needs you.”  
“I can't go back now, not like this.”  
“I know that, Jay. And I'm trying to help. So does Trudy. She and Mouch promised to talk to Voight again.”  
Jay scoffed. “Yeah, that won't do any good.”  
Her hand rested on his leg. “We'll see, Jay. There must be a way. Voight knows very well he needs you too. You should have seen him this week. I've never seen him in such a bad mood, not ever. I think he feels just as lost as you do.”  
“Yeah, he's good at hiding that.”  
“We will find a way, Jay. Because we must.” Hailey said with more optimism than she felt. “I know that we will. I won't accept any other outcome.”  
Jay smiled weakly. Her determination felt good, even though he was a lot more pessimistic. “Okay.”  
Both were quiet again, thought about the situation, unsure of how to proceed. In the end Hailey broke the silence.   
“Jay, how about I take you out to dinner, we talk about other stuff, relax a bit, have a normal evening. I know this great Greek restaurant right around the corner. We both need a break. At least for tonight.”  
“Okay,” Jay smiled thankfully. “Sounds like a plan.”


	7. Chapter 7

Their dinner was nothing like a romantic first date; Jay and Hailey had had more romantic evenings doing “their thing” before, when they had met in a restaurant or in either one's home after tough cases and talked over a drink.   
Yes, there were candles on the table, the location had a romantic atmosphere, reminding them of summer, beaches, long days and amazing sunsets. But neither Jay nor Hailey were in a romantic mood.   
True, they enjoyed the food, had some wine with it, but they hardly talked. Both were thinking about the day, about the fight between Jay and Voight, wondered what would happen. While they had agreed not to talk about it tonight, to relax and simply enjoy each other's company, it wasn't that easy.  
Hailey tried to lighten the mood by explaining all the specialties on the menu and choosing the best options, and Jay tried his best to listen, there was the occasional smile, but it wasn't as lighthearted as it should have been. Nevertheless Jay was grateful that Hailey put so much effort in it, that she tried so hard to make him feel better. When he had finished his meal, he took her hand in his.   
“Thank you, Hailey,” he said softly and looked at her sincerely. “I don't know what I would do without you.”  
She smiled back at him, squeezed his hand.   
“And... I won't run. I won't go anywhere, no matter what happens. I promise.”  
“I know, Jay,” she replied. “And we will find a solution. I promise.”

They walked the short way home back in silence, this time Hailey took Jay's hand. It felt good, safe, and normal. And for a minute both were able to forget about everything but their newfound relationship, walking through the darkness in the chilly air. 

“So, what happened with the case last week?” Jay asked, when they were back in Hailey's living room. “Did Voight arrest the son like he had planned?”  
“No, he didn't,” Hailey answered. “He's still trying to find another angle to obtain evidence against Wills.”  
“Really?” Jay laughed bitterly. “So he listened to me after all? Unbelievable.”  
“And yet that's what happened,” Hailey said. “Perhaps deep down he realized that you were right, Jay. But he's too stubborn to admit it. Just like you are too stubborn...” she stopped. She didn't want to blame him, she knew he blamed himself enough already. “Forget it, Jay. I'm on your side, you know that.”  
“Yes, I know.” He placed a soft kiss on her forehead and rose from the couch.  
“Where are you going, Jay?”  
“Home.”  
“Why?”  
“Because...”  
“Jay, please stay the night.”  
“Hailey,” he said with a husky voice. “Now is not the right time.”  
“I know, Jay,” she agreed. “ I just want you to stay, and to be with me tonight. Just hold me. Nothing else. Please, Jay.”  
Jay thought for a minute, slightly tilted his head. “I'd like that.”  
They smiled at each other and went upstairs to her bedroom.  
Both got rid of their denims, Hailey changed into a t-shirt, and both slipped under the covers. Jay lay down with an outstretched arm, and Hailey lay down by his side, in his arm, without hesitation. She put her head on his chest, her arm around his torso, and felt him wrap both his arms around her. And it didn't feel strange or new, it felt as if it had always been like that, in the best possible way.  
Both fell asleep quickly, feeling safe in each other's arms. 

They weren't granted a relaxed Sunday morning, however, because early in the morning Hailey's phone rang.   
Grumbling, she looked at it, and when she saw that it was Voight, she answered the call.  
Jay squinted and watched her. She didn't say much, just listened for a while and finished the call.  
“We've got a case, Jay.”  
“I figured.”  
She quickly kissed him, briefly realizing how normal this quick kiss on his lips felt already and how much she wanted more, before she turned around and got up.   
“You're welcome to stay, Jay. No idea when I'll be back.”  
“What's the case about?”  
“A homicide,” Hailey said. “Voight didn't say much, but it might be related to the Wills case.”  
“I see.”  
In the meantime she had dressed, put her hair up in a ponytail, and kissed him good bye. “I'll let you know what happened, when I'm back, okay?” She yearned to ask him just to come with her, but that would be wrong, so she let it be.  
Jay nodded, lay back down. “Be careful.”

Hailey didn't return home until late. The homicide was as brutal and violent as the other earlier one they associated with Wills, there was blood all over the place, and the victim was almost unrecognizable. The whole unit was busy gathering evidence with crime techs, asked neighbors, checked camera footage from the area, tried to find relatives of the victims, anyone who might have seen something or who had background information. There were a few traces, but nothing solid, nothing that could actually link Wills to the case, except for the similarities of the two crime scenes.   
When Hailey came home in the evening, her house was empty. She hadn't expected anything else. Her bed was made, the kitchen was clean, and Jay was gone. She decided to take a shower and then decide what to do. 

Jay had stayed in Hailey's bed longer after Hailey had left, fell asleep again. He was surprised, how much at home he felt here, how good it felt to be in her bed, feel the lingering warmth of her body, inhale her scent. The night had been a good one, he had slept better than he had in a long time. When he finally woke up for good, he still stayed in bed, thought about what had happened. He and Hailey had actually admitted to each other that they were in love, they were a couple now.   
This still didn't solve his most pressing problem, but it was still good.   
He was still scared, scared to be burned again, scared not to be good enough and to blow it. Scared that something would go wrong. Because it always did. 

How could he get out of this mess?   
How could he get his job back?   
Did he want to get his job back?   
And what about the case? How could they prove that Wills was the killer? How could they prevent him from killing again? If he had murdered yet another person today, who knew if he'd continue killing everyone in his way?

After cleaning up, Jay drove back home, then went for a run – recently runs seemed to be the best way to clear his head. At first his thoughts ran wild in his head, but as usual after the first thirty minutes they all calmed down, and his head felt as empty as he wanted it to. He was running, nothing else, just running, in his head simply counting the steps.

It didn't come as a surprise that Hailey showed up at his place in the evening, he had expected – and hoped for – it.   
After his run he had taken a long hot shower, dressed in sweats and lay down on the couch. He almost didn't hear her knocking, and when he made it to the door, she was about to turn around to leave.  
“Don't go,” he said. “I'm sorry, I was half asleep.”  
She turned around fast, smiled at him, clearly tired.   
“You okay?” he said, immediately worried.   
Hailey nodded. “Yeah, just wasted. Tough day.”  
He put an arm around her shoulders and pushed her inside. “I should have been out there with you.”  
“Yeah,” she agreed.   
“Sit down,” he said. “Want a drink? Something to eat? Are you hungry?”  
“Now that you mention it,” Hailey laughed weakly. “Yes, I am hungry, very much.”  
“I could prepare some pasta,” Jay suggested. “Or I order pizza.”  
“If you don't mind, pasta sounds great.”  
Jay nodded eagerly, glad he could do something.   
“Take a beer, and I'll get the pasta done.”  
Thankfully Hailey let herself sink into Jay's comfortable couch, took the beer he handed her and closed her eyes. This felt like coming home, like it should be. It took all her willpower to stay awake while Jay was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Not only because she had had an exhausting day, more because she felt right at home here, in Jay's apartment, with him.

“So, how did it go?” he asked over dinner. “Do you have a lead?”  
“Only circumstantial,,” Hailey answered. “It's the same MO as in the other case, and we are sure it is Wills, but we still don't have any actual evidence.” She looked at him, digging into the pasta. “By the way, where did you learn to make such a good pasta? This is amazing.”  
Jay smiled. “There's a lot you don't know about me. Glad you like it.”  
“Hmmm,” Hailey just grinned.   
They talked about the case a bit more over dinner, and both felt that this was how it was supposed to be. The only thing missing was Jay being back in the unit. However, they didn't touch the subject this evening. They still had no idea what to do about it. Hailey was aware that Jay wouldn't just go back and apologize, as that wouldn't solve the issue. At the same time she knew Voight wouldn't just ask Jay to come back. Hailey didn't want to put too much pressure on Jay, she knew him well enough to be fully aware that this would cause him to shut down again. And that was what she wanted to prevent at any cost. He needed to know he could trust her, he could rely on her. Because she was on his side, always, no questions asked. 

“So... we're actually a couple now?” Jay asked, when they were back on the couch, a shy grin on his face.   
“Yes, we are,” Hailey answered with an even bigger grin. “If you want to.”  
“Hell yes,” Jay answered quickly, and both started laughing.   
The laughter stopped immediately when they looked into each other's eyes. Hailey swallowed audibly, then leaned over and kissed Jay. Without hesitation Jay pulled her into his lap, one hand on her back the other on the back of her head, and he answered her kiss. Their first kiss, and it was all they had ever imagined.   
His lips felt so soft on Hailey's, her hands on her body made her shiver. Instinctively her hand slipped under his shirt, touched his bare skin. Jay grumbled against her mouth, and their kiss became more passionate. His hands held her waist, as he pulled her even closer.  
“We shouldn't,” he murmured halfheartedly, trying to pull back unsuccessfully.  
“Right,” Hailey agreed, then kissed him again.   
“We should wait,” she whispered.  
“Yeah,” Jay said hoarsely, but his body said something else.  
“Oh, forget it,” Hailey uttered. “Why not? Who knows what happens tomorrow.”  
Jay pulled back, looked at her, his eyes big and sparkling. “Are you sure?”  
“Absolutely. You?”  
“No, but I don't care.”   
They laughed briefly, then Jay stood up and carried Hailey into the bedroom.


	8. Chapter 8

Jay and Hailey didn't get much sleep that night, the pent-up tension, that had been lingering between them for so long, was too much, kept them awake; they couldn't keep their hands off each other. Feeling the other so close was exactly what they both wanted and needed now; they were clinging to each other as if drowning.  
It felt like a dream to Jay, finally he had this beautiful, clever, sweet woman in his arms, the woman he had been in love with for so long. And it was all he had dreamed of and more. Hailey was the perfect match for him, both equally emotional and passionate, she was hungry for him just like he was hungry for her. They kissed, made love, laughed, talked all night long. 

He must have fallen asleep at some point in the early morning; and when Jay woke up, she was gone.  
Was it all a dream? Jay briefly wondered. But no, it had all been real. He felt the warmth of her body, saw her impression on the pillow next to him, smelled the remains of her perfume in the sheets. It had been real. They had spent an amazing night together. He smiled. 

Reluctantly Jay got up. Perhaps she was in the bathroom? Or the kitchen, the living room? No, she was gone, and her clothes with her. Disappointed he looked around the apartment, turned around to go to the bathroom to take a shower, when he saw a note written in her neat, completely un-girly handwriting on the kitchen table.  
Sorry, babe, it said. I didn't want to wake you up. We have a lead, I have to go. I'll call you later. Love ya  
He smiled sadly. He should be out there following the lead, with Hailey. He should have her back. Suddenly he worried, felt something like a looming dark shadow. He should have her back.  
Jay shook his head to get rid of these dark thoughts. It was ridiculous, she wasn't alone after all. The rest of the unit was there too.   
Still he would have liked to know what exactly was going on, and why she had to leave so early. Should he call? No, if she was out there, it might distract her, she wouldn't answer anyway. Perhaps a text? Yes, he would do that after breakfast.   
Following an impulse he decided to go for a run before taking a shower and having breakfast. It would clear his head and help him fight this lingering sense of doom. And he could still think about the night, about this amazing night he had spent with Hailey.   
Within a few minutes he was out in the street again, running along the familiar streets, and it was exactly what he needed. The cool air smelled of the coming spring, a promise of better days to follow the long winter. And for Jay better times had arrived already, because of Hailey.

When he returned home more than an hour later, he headed for the shower right away. He relaxed under the hot water, welcomed the exhaustion. Only when he returned to the living room dressed just in denims he saw his phone flashing. Right, he had wanted to send Hailey a text. Perhaps this was from her.   
It wasn't.   
He had missed several calls from the district. What?  
The dark shadow was back at full force, engulfing him.   
He called back, and Trudy answered the phone within seconds.  
“Jay?”  
“Yes, what's going on?” he asked. Her voice didn't sound good.  
“Jay, Hailey's been shot, she's at Med.”  
Jay almost dropped the phone, had to hold it with both his suddenly trembling hands.   
“I'm on my way.”   
He grabbed some clothes, dressed in a hurry, and jumped into his truck.   
How long?   
Why hadn't he taken the phone with him on that stupid run?   
Why hadn't he checked before he took this long – much too long – shower?   
Dammit.   
He switched on the flashing blue lights, didn't care much for any speed limits. Yeah, the cops should try to stop him. He might not have his badge right now, but he was still a cop, and if this wasn't an emergency, what was?   
Could it be happening?  
Whenever something good was in his life, it was taken away from him right away.  
Why?   
Why hadn't he been there?  
It was his fault.  
If anything happened to her, it was HIS fault.  
Only his stubborn mind, his anger, his strict refusal to apologize was the reason she was alone and shot!  
It was all his fault.

At Med, he parked his car in the first empty spot he found and ran inside, frantically looking around. Where was everybody? Why didn't he see any familiar face?  
Finally he spotted his brother.  
“Will!” he yelled.   
Will Halstead was at his brother's side within seconds.  
“Where's Hailey? How is she? What happened?”  
Will put a calming hand on Jay's shoulder. “Come with me, Jay.”  
“How is Hailey?” Jay insisted.  
“Come, Jay.”  
“Answer me!” Jay got louder, more impatient. This wasn't good.  
“She's in surgery, Jay.”   
Will took his brother's arm and guided him towards an elevator.   
“What is going on, Will? How serious is it?”  
“I don't know much, Jay,” Will admitted. “Only that she was shot and is in surgery. I'll take you upstairs.”  
“Will!”  
“Jay, I don't know more, I just arrived ten minutes ago.”  
The elevator stopped and the brothers ran down the hallway. Jay could spot cops in the distance, among them Trudy. As soon as she saw him, she stood up straight, walked in his direction. Jay was with her in a split second, and Trudy, in a very untypical move, put both her hands on his shoulders, squeezed them and made Jay stop, while Will walked on, towards the OR.   
“Jay, you're here.”  
“Where else would I be,” he answered, out of breath. “Please tell me she's okay, Trudy. Please”  
Trudy shook her head. “I don't know, Jay. She's in surgery. Come with me.”  
She took his arm and guided him further along, to a quieter area. Jay briefly noticed his – well, probably his former – unit standing together, several other cops, and it felt as if everyone was watching him – blaming him for not having his partners back.   
He followed Trudy around a corner, leaned against the wall for support.  
“What happened, Trudy?” he pleaded. “Please!”  
“They had a lead about Wills,” Trudy explained. “Adam's CI had told them that Wills would be in this old warehouse to secure a deal with someone. That he wanted to sell stuff he took with him when he killed his first victims. That could have been the breakthrough. I don't know the details, but Hailey went in there alone and was ambushed.”  
“How?”  
“I don't know exactly. An accomplice of Wills was waiting for Hailey and shot her.”  
“So Adam's CI...”  
“We don't know yet, Jay.” Trudy tried to calm him down. “It's not Adam's fault.”  
“No, it's my fault,” Jay whispered, and then, afraid to hear the answer, asked. “How bad is she injured?”  
“She wore a vest, so the shot into her stomach didn't go through, as I understand.”  
Jay exhaled, his eyes widened. “And?”  
“A shot in the shoulder, close to the neck. Not sure if it grazed an artery or hit a nerve. Doctor Marcel is performing the surgery, trying to remove the bullet and repair the damage.”  
“How long?”  
Trudy stared at him, thinking, then checked her watch. “She arrived 40 minutes ago, so a bit over half an hour. Too soon to say anything.”  
Jay hit the wall in despair. “Dammit, I should have been with her. I would have had her back.”  
“You don't know that, Jay,” Trudy said. “Besides, no use blaming yourself now.”  
Jay rolled his eyes. Easy to say that when you weren't the one leaving your partner alone.   
“How come that whenever something good happens to me, it's taken away immediately?” he whispered. “Always.”  
Trudy looked at him sadly. “Jay, you don't know that. The doctors will do all they can.”  
Jay looked at her, not believing it.   
“Are you ready to join the others?” she asked. “You know you can't avoid them forever, don't you?”  
Jay shrugged. “Let's get it over with,” he decided.   
“Good boy,” Trudy said quietly. She slowly pushed him back into the waiting area, towards his unit. Voight, Kim, Adam, Kevin. They didn't see him right away, as they had their backs to him. Only as Trudy and Jay stood almost next to Voight, they all turned around and acknowledged Jay's presence.  
“Jay,” Kim whispered. “You're here.”  
“Of course I am here,” he answered defensively. He was about to shut everyone out again, but tried hard not to – for once.   
“Jay,” Voight nodded.   
“What happened?” Jay demanded to know. “Why was Hailey alone? Why didn't she have backup? Why wasn't the area secured before she went inside?”  
“Buddy, calm down,” Adam said.  
“Hey, it was your CI!”  
Kevin quickly stepped between the two of them. “Jay, it's not Adam's fault. Or his CI's. We split up, Adam was on the other side of the building, I was outside with Kim, securing the area. Nobody could see it coming.”  
Jay pulled himself together. “Did you get the shooter?”  
“Dead,” Kevin confirmed. “And Wills is in custody.”  
At least that.   
Jay didn't dare to look at Voight, he was afraid he might lose it and blame his sergeant. But Voight didn't have it, he approached Jay directly.  
“Halstead,” he just said.  
Jay nodded, not trusting his voice.  
Before they could say anything else, Will came back into the waiting area, and Jay concentrated on his brother.  
“She's still in surgery,” Will explained. “It's not as simple, the bullet is in a difficult location, they haven't been able to remove it yet.”  
“What does that mean?” Jay asked.   
“That means it will take a while longer. That's all I know.”  
“Will she...?”  
“Jay, Crockett is an amazing surgeon, he's doing all he can.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your amazing comments, you all made my day!

“Why didn't you watch out for her?” Jay said, more desperate than he was aware of. “Why? I should have been there, dammit!”  
“You're damn right, you should have been there!” Voight answered quietly, clearly more worried than angry. But Jay didn't realize that.  
“Oh, I should?” he snapped. “Now I'm suddenly important to the unit? Now that YOU failed to protect her?”  
“You wanted to leave, Halstead. That was your decision!” Voight replied, his voice louder and angrier, hiding his own worry. “And that's why Hailey's in surgery now, fighting for her life!”  
Jay opened his mouth, ready to yell, almost ready to punch Voight.  
“Enough!” Trudy's sharp voice interrupted them. “Are you two out of your minds?”   
She spoke quietly, but had everyone's immediate attention. “Hailey's in surgery, and you two have nothing better to do than continue your stupid fight? Your totally idiotic, childish, and right now more than inappropriate fight?”  
Jay stared at her, all energy seemed to leave his body, his shoulders slumped.   
Voight was still standing there, hands on his waist, yet listening to Trudy, frozen in mid-sentence.  
“Don't you think it's enough now? You both know the unit needs Jay. And you do too, Hank. Jay, you know you want to be part of the unit. So put this crap aside and be there for Hailey.”  
Jay didn't say a word, just stared at the floor, feeling like a stubborn and at the same time helpless kid. He knew that Trudy was right, that there were more important things now than fighting with his Sergeant, but it was so difficult, so very difficult.   
“Hm,” Voight uttered. “We'll talk when this is over.”  
“Good enough for me,” Trudy concluded, took Jay's arm again. “You sit down here, Jay. And I'll wait with you.” Her voice got very soft, all of a sudden, she was as protective of Jay as anyone could be, and Jay was so thankful for that. Someone was actually there for him, with him, in this situation. He did what she said, sat down, and Trudy sat down beside him. Kim came to sit down on his other side.  
“Jay, she'll pull through. Hailey's a fighter, you know that.”  
“It's my fault,” he whispered, close to tears.   
“No, it's not,” Kim disagreed. “The only one responsible is the guy who shot her.”  
Jay swallowed hard, unable to reply. He felt first Adam's hand, then Kevin's hand briefly patting his shoulder, showing their support, but he was unable to react. He just sat there waiting, while Trudy's hand rested on his back. 

The group of cops waiting with Intelligence changed, some left, others appeared. The unit stayed, silently waiting for news on Hailey. There was nothing urgent to do about the case, the wrap-up could be completed later. This was important, right here, right now.  
It was a deja-vu.   
Only a short while ago everyone had been waiting for news on Jay right here in this hospital. And right now Jay would have preferred to be the one in the OR again instead of Hailey.

Jay didn't know how long he just sat there, glued to the chair, until finally Doctor Marcel opened the door to the OR.   
As soon as he saw the doctor, Jay jumped to his feet.   
Crockett recognized Jay and approached him directly, a somber look on his face.   
The other members of Intelligence gathered around them, Trudy still close by Jay's side.   
“How is she?” Jay almost didn't dare to ask, his voice breaking. Trudy took his hand, surprising both of them with this gesture.  
“We removed the bullet,” Crockett explained. “It was difficult, as it was close to an artery and nerves.”  
“So she's okay?”  
“The next 24 hours are crucial. If no further bleeding occurs, and if she can move when she wakes up, then we'll know.”  
“So you tell me you don't know?” Jay asked, masking his despair with anger.  
But Crockett didn't take the bait, he was used to desperate relatives, and he understood Jay.   
“I said we removed the bullet. Under the circumstances she's okay, but we have to wait and see.”  
“Can I see her?”  
Crockett nodded, “Come with me.”  
Jay followed him without any further word, Trudy still by his side, Voight following both. Jay didn't care about him. Voight didn't matter now.   
He entered the ICU, the room, to which they had moved Hailey, preparing for the worst. He was still so thankful that Trudy hadn't left his side.   
Hailey didn't look as bad as he had expected, more like she was only sleeping. She breathed without assistance, lay still in her bed, only a needle in the back of her hand, providing her with some liquid. Medicine or whatever, Jay didn't particularly care. He walked up to her bed, took her free hand in his. It was so cold.   
“Hailey,” he whispered, not caring the slightest bit who was listening. “Hailey, I'm here. I'm so sorry I didn't have your back. Please come back to me. Please.”  
He barely noticed that Trudy pulled up a chair, made him sit down. Didn't notice that the team joined them in the room, didn't care.   
After a while, Crockett came back. “Everyone out now. It's too crowded in here.”  
“I'm not going anywhere,” Jay whispered.  
Crockett nodded. “I figured. Jay, you can stay, but everyone else leaves now. You go home, there's nothing you can do here.”  
Adam, Kevin, Kim approached Hailey's bed one after the other, said a few quiet words, patted Jay's shoulder. When they were gone, Voight came closer too.  
“Let me know if anything changes,” he said to Jay and turned around to leave.   
In the end only Trudy was still there with them. She put her arm around Jay's shoulders protectively. “Jay, you're not alone in this,” she promised. “I'll be right outside, and when I need to leave, I'll make sure either Mouch or Kim are there. Don't beat yourself up. Just be here for Hailey.”  
Jay nodded, “Thank you, Trudy.”  
And then he was alone with Hailey. And with his thoughts. 

Jay didn't leave Hailey's side. He barely noticed that from time to time a nurse entered the room, checked on her vitals, checked the monitors, and left again. He wouldn't be able to say if it was always the same nurse or a different one each time. All he cared for was Hailey, lying there, pale and immobile. He held her hand, rubbed her knuckles with his thumb, stared at her face. Time was non-existent – it was slowing down and racing at the same time. At some point the lights in the hallway were switched on, outside the sun set and it went dark. The lights in Hailey's room were dimmed as well, but Jay didn't notice, didn't care.   
Nothing happened, Hailey's condition didn't change. Not for the better, not for the worse.   
He barely managed to raise his head when a hand softly touched his shoulder.  
“Jay,” he heard a voice.   
Kim.  
It took all his willpower to look up.   
“Yeah?”  
“Jay, you should sleep.”  
“I'm not going anywhere.”  
“But...”  
“Not up for discussion.”  
“Okay, Jay.” Kim gave in. “Then I will get you something to eat and to drink. Any preferences?”  
“Whatever.”  
“Jay, I'm here to help.”  
“Sorry.”  
“Do you need fresh clothes? We can get it for you. Just give me your key, and Adam will drive to your place.”  
That might be a good idea, Jay thought, nodded and gave Kim his keys. “Thank you.”  
“Jay, she will be okay,” Kim said.   
Jay just shrugged. “I can't lose her.”  
“You won't.”

When Kim had left, he put his head down on Hailey's bed, suddenly noticing how exhausted he was. He fell into an uneasy sleep and didn't wake up when Kim returned with a bag of sandwiches and a coke and put both on the table. He didn't wake up either when a while later Adam entered the room and put a bag with Jay's clothes on the floor.   
Adam remained in the room for a minute, leaned against the wall and watched the two of them. What a horrible situation. First Jay quit, then Hailey got shot. Of course Adam felt guilty. It was a tip of his CI after all that put Hailey in this situation. Usually he was not one to feel guilt, he took life as it was, but he cared for Hailey – and Jay, of course – and he couldn't prevent feeling at least a bit responsible. His CI hadn't betrayed him, it was not the CI's fault that Hailey had been ambushed, but still. The feeling wasn't good.   
He stepped up to Hailey's other side, put a hand on her shoulder and left. He wasn't needed here. 

In his uneasy sleep Jay subconsciously noticed that people came and left, but his body and mind were too exhausted to react.   
It was late at night, when he finally did wake up, and he wasn't sure what it was that had roused him. His neck and his back hurt from the uncomfortable position he had been in, and he stretched, rubbed his neck with one hand, the other still holding Hailey's hand.   
It took a moment before he noticed that her hand was not as cold anymore. Was that the warmth of his own hand or a sign that she was getting better? He rose, leaned over her face, softly caressed her cheek.  
Her eyes were moving under closed eyelids. A good sign?  
“Hailey, I'm here. I'm always here,” he whispered with a voice that was almost breaking. “Please, please wake up.”  
She sighed softly, as if trying to do what he asked for. Unsuccessfully.  
After another – longer – sigh, her eyes stopped moving, she seemed to fall back into a deeper sleep or unconsciousness, Jay couldn't tell.  
Jay placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “Don't give up, Hailey. Fight it. For us. I promise I will apologize and come back. Anything you want, just don't leave me.”  
Jay noticed how desperate he sounded, but he couldn't care less. He closed his eyes, holding back the tears.  
“Jay?” A sound so soft, he wasn't sure if it was real or if he imagined it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter published - slowly this story will come to an end.   
> Thanks for your great comments, I'm so happy that you like this story

“Jay,” louder now.   
She was talking to him. Hailey was awake and saying his name.  
“Yes, babe, I'm here.”  
“Good,” she whispered, exhausted. “What happened?”  
“You were shot,” Jay just said. “How do you feel?”  
“Ran over by a truck?” she tried to laugh but failed miserably and coughed.  
“Easy. Shall I get a doctor?”  
“Don't know. So tired.”  
Some silent alarm must have gone off, because a nurse appeared out of nowhere, checking on Hailey. Jay stared at her, willing her to tell him something – anything.   
But she didn't. The nurse disappeared without saying a word to him and returned with a doctor.   
“Sir, would you please wait outside?” the doctor said.  
“Not going anywhere!” Jay objected.  
“Sir! I need to examine my patient. So wait outside, please.”  
Jay hesitated, looked into Hailey's face. She weakly squeezed his hand. Very reluctantly Jay stood up and left the room.  
Once he was back in the hallway, someone appeared by his side immediately. Mouch. Trudy had kept her word, there was always someone outside. He didn't have that much of a connection to the older firefighter, but Mouch was a good guy, and he could relate, he had been in a similar situation at least once, back when Trudy had been assaulted.   
“She woke up,” Jay said slowly, answering Mouch's unspoken question.  
“That's good, right?”  
“I think so. Let's see what the doctor says.” Jay leaned against the wall. “I can't lose her. Not her.”   
“I know,” Mouch just said. Jay was grateful Mouch didn't try to engage him into a longer conversation, that he was just standing there, keeping him company.  
He wanted to go back inside, urgently, but the door to Hailey's room was still closed, and Jay couldn't see what was happening inside. He had lost all sense of time and almost flinched, when the door opened again. Both Jay and Mouch looked at the doctor, his name tag said Doctor Christopher, expectantly.  
“It's looking promising,” Doctor Christopher said. “As far as I can say no further bleeding,”  
“As far as you can say?” Jay interrupted him, sounding harsh from worry. “What does that mean?”  
“Exactly what I said, so far the bleeding stopped. She can move all extremities, so no nerves were damaged. Still, we have to monitor her for the next twelve hours, just in case.”  
“Can I go back inside?”  
“She's asleep.”  
“Can I?”  
“If you don't try to wake her up, yes.”  
Jay rolled his eyes. “I want her to know I'm here.”  
“Go,” Mouch simply said, and Jay didn't need any further encouragement. Without waiting for what Doctor Christopher might have to say, he walked back inside, pulled the chair back up to Hailey's bed and resumed his place by her side.   
It might have been his imagination, but Jay was sure that her sleep was calmer than before, more like actual sleep than unconsciousness. And – but that might just be what he wished for – she seemed less pale.   
Again he laid his head on her bed, closed his eyes, thought about all and nothing.   
He was still scared that Hailey's condition might change for the worse, he couldn't stop worrying. Thoughts about his job mixed with his worry about Hailey. What would happen? Would he find a way back? How? Did he want to go back? Would Voight even take him back? And how could they still work together after this? How would that even be possible? Both were not the kind of people that talked things out and easily made peace. A lot of things – in both their attitudes – would need to change.  
But none of that mattered if anything happened to Hailey. 

He woke up when Hailey caressed his hand and immediately sat up straight.  
“How are you?” he asked softly. “How do you feel?”  
She moaned. “Tired, hurt.”  
“I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you.” Jay whispered, but Hailey shook her head.   
“Shh,” she just answered. “Not your fault.”  
He stood up, leaned down and softly kissed her. “I was so scared, Hailey.”  
“I'm not leaving, Jay,” she managed to say, clearly exhausted from speaking.  
Jay noticed, kissed her again tenderly. “We'll talk later. When you feel better. Rest now. I won't go anywhere.”  
“Hmm,” she just murmured, trying a weak smile.   
They stopped talking, and after a while Hailey fell asleep again. 

When Doctor Marcel appeared to check on her, Jay grabbed the bag and went to the bathroom to change into fresh clothes. Doctor Marcel was still in her room, when Jay returned, so he sat down outside, next to Trudy, who had returned earlier.  
“How are you, Jay?”   
He shrugged, “I'll be fine once Hailey's okay.”  
“Have you decided what you'll do?”  
He shook his head. “Right now that's not important.”  
“Jay, you can't run forever, you must think about this,” Trudy urged him. “Not right now, but soon.”  
“Yeah, probably.”  
“Jay, I won't push, but I won't allow you to throw your career away. Hailey will pull through, and then you must face this.”  
“Whatever.” Jay shrugged. Once again, he couldn't help himself.   
“I won't let you push me away, Jay,” Trudy answered calmly. “We'll get this.”  
“Sorry, Trudy,” Jay pulled himself together. “I don't know why I keep doing it.”  
“It's okay, Jay. Just don't forget you're not alone in this.”  
“Thanks.”   
Trudy rubbed his back again, to show him she understood. She understood Jays fears of not being enough, of being abandoned, his issues with his boss, his fear of losing Hailey, and his impulse to push everyone away. She wanted to show him that he was not alone. 

When Doctor Marcel reappeared, Jay immediately wanted to go inside, but Crockett stopped him.  
“We need to take her for a few more tests, Jay,” Crockett explained. “You can go home, if you want to. It will take a while.”  
“No,” Jay immediately shook his head. “I'll stay.”  
“Fine,” Crockett answered. “Go get something to eat. I promise I have someone call you as soon as she's back up here.”  
“Thank you.”  
In that moment Will appeared to check on both Jay and Hailey, and he heard the last words.  
“Come with me, Jay.”  
Jay looked at Trudy, who nodded. “Go, Jay. I have to take care of a few things, but I'll be back here. Go with your brother.”

Will took Jay to the cafeteria, got them coffee and some breakfast, which Jay hardly touched.   
“You want to tell me what's going on?” Will said. “You weren't with Intelligence when Hailey was brought here yesterday, and now I heard you quit?”  
“I don't want to talk about it,” Jay answered. “All that matters is that Hailey is okay.”  
“Crockett's positive she will be okay, Jay.”  
“Did he say so?” Jay raised his head, hopeful. “Because he didn't tell me anything.”  
“He won't tell you anything unless he's absolutely sure,” Will explained. “But from what he told me, it's looking good. Actually better than when you were shot. A lot better.”  
“Good.”  
“So what's going on with you?” Will asked again. “Don't you think I deserve to know when you've got problems.”  
Jay sighed. “Will, I don't want to talk about it...”  
“Listen, Jay,” Will said slowly. “I don't claim to know what was going on, but I know you. And I see that you are not in a good place right now. But I know one thing, I know you have friends. Lean on them, let them help you. Don't push them away.”  
“Yeah.”

Jay was back upstairs in the waiting area of the ICU before Crockett could call him. Will had to start his shift, and Jay couldn't bear being too far away from Hailey.   
When Crockett stood in front of him alone, Jay felt a sudden rush of fear. What was happening?  
Crockett smiled encouragingly at Jay, though, raised his hands.  
“It's okay, Jay,” he reassured Jay. “She's fine. We will transfer her from the ICU to a regular room. The bleeding stopped, no nerve damage. She will be okay.”  
A huge burden was lifted off Jays shoulders.   
“Can I...”  
“I'll take you to her room.”  
“Can someone call 21st and give them an update?”  
“I'll ask Maggie to do that,” Crockett confirmed.   
Jay followed Crockett silently to Hailey's new room, still too worried, too agitated to allow himself to be happy about the news. 

When Jay entered Hailey's new room, she looked significantly better and more upbeat. She was tired, that was obvious, but her eyes were alert and she had a smile on her face when she saw Jay.  
“Hey you,” she said.  
“Hey.” Jay smiled back at her. He just had to smile. Her smile, the smile she reserved only for him, was something he couldn't resist. He leaned in closer and kissed her softly. Hailey's free hand touched his arm, then his cheek.   
“You look tired, Jay.”  
He couldn't suppress a relieved laugh. “You think?” he smirked.   
“I'm glad you're here, Jay.”  
“Yeah, me too.”  
Jay fell silent, because he was aware that Hailey was still not up to long talks, as hard as she tried to hide it. Once again he sat down at her bedside, held her hand, looked at her. Perhaps it wasn't a bad idea to be here, where he couldn't run from his thoughts, where he had to face his fear, his sadness, his anger. Perhaps this was – in some twisted way – the universe's way to force him to think about what to do.  
He didn't expect to come to a conclusion, but it was not the worst idea to finally face all his conflicting thoughts and feelings. He didn't want to be that guy, the guy that pushed everyone away, that was wallowing in self-pity, that somehow seemed to enjoy being the victim here. That wasn't him. And however this ended, he would have to do something about it. That was the only conclusion he came to. He would have to address this, he needed help.   
He hadn't realized how much time had passed, when he suddenly noticed the presence of another person.   
Absent-minded, he looked up.   
Voight was standing in the doorway.


	11. Chapter 11

“Sarge?”  
“Jay,” Voight nodded. “How is she?”  
“Better. Crockett said she'll be fine. Hailey's sleeping now.” Without realizing it, he caressed her hand.  
“Good,” Voight answered. “Jay, got a minute?”  
Jay's heart sank. He wasn't ready for that. Nevertheless he nodded. If the universe wanted to tell him something today, it might be a good idea to go with it.   
“Sure.” Without thinking, he leaned over, quickly kissed Hailey's cheek, and then followed Voight outside.  
“Hm,” Voight grumbled, a familiar sound. He obviously hadn't expected to see this gesture. It was clear that he wasn't comfortable either.   
“Jay, when Hailey comes back, will you return to Intelligence?”  
Jay's eyes widened. He hadn't expected that. “I don't know, Sarge,” he answered cautiously.  
Voight swallowed hard. “Jay, we – I – want you back in Intelligence.”  
“Okay?” Jay still wasn't quite sure what was happening.  
“I know that we need to talk, Jay,” Voight continued. “There are a few things that need to change, that I need to change.”  
Was that an attempted apology? Jay wasn't sure. He couldn't imagine Voight actually apologizing to him, that would be so unlike Voight. Did he expect Jay to apologize? He had no idea.   
“Yeah,” he tentatively said. “I want to come back. But...”  
“I understand, Jay. We will talk. Things will change, I will... You have my word.”  
Jay slowly nodded. He extended his hand, slowly but more self-assured. This was good, wasn't it?  
Voight took Jay's hand. “Good. Keep me updated on her status, will you?”  
“Sure, Sarge.”   
Voight nodded at Jay once more before he left. Jay's eyes followed him, not quite sure what had just happened. 

Jay stood frozen in his spot for a few minutes, before he noticed that Trudy was sitting in a chair, watching him intently. Slowly Jay crossed the waiting area and joined her.  
“Was that your work?” he asked suspiciously.  
“I talked to Hank,” she admitted. “Someone had to.”  
Jay didn't reply, he didn't know what to say.  
“Go, Jay,” Trudy said. “Go back to Hailey's room.”  
“Are you coming with me?” Jay stared at her with those big eyes. Thank you for being here, he meant. Thank you for sticking up for me, for helping me. For being on my side. For not giving up.  
Trudy understood.

Hailey was still sleeping, when Jay and Trudy returned to her room. Jay sat down by Hailey's side again, while Trudy took a chair a bit further away.   
“Trudy, why does he do this?” he asked the one question he was unable to answer. “Why does Voight treat me like this?”  
“I'm not psychologist, Jay,” Trudy evaded his question, his wide eyes.  
“But you have known him for a long time.”  
Trudy shook her head. “I don't think Hank knows it himself, Jay. I suspect it might be a mixture of feeling that you threaten his authority and him trying to help you become a better cop. The Voight way.”  
Jay raised his eyebrows.  
“Just my thoughts, Jay. I don't say I agree with him. And I hope this was a wake-up call for him too.”   
“Trudy, I don't know if I can go back.”  
“Take your time, Jay. Think about it and find your way.”

Jay didn't leave Hailey's side for as long as she was in hospital. A few people dropped by, checking on Hailey, tried to convince him to go home and get some sleep, but he wasn't moving.  
Will had brought him clothes to change, and he made sure Jay could use the doctors' showers, an offer Jay gladly accepted. But that was the longest he left Hailey's side.

Two days later Hailey was released and Jay could take her home. When he pulled his car up to the front entrance of Med and Hailey was waiting for him, he couldn't stop smiling. He was so relieved and happy.   
He drove to her place, and Hailey could barely stop him from fussing about her. He made her lie down immediately, rearranged the pillows so that they were as comfortable as possible, prepared herbal tea, and was generally busy trying to fulfill her every need, until she had enough.  
“Jay, sit down,” she said with a smile.  
“But don't you want...”  
“Come here, Jay,” Hailey interrupted, smiling. “All I want is you to sit down here with me.”  
Jay stopped what he was doing, realized what she said and smiled back at her. He sat down on the couch and Hailey leaned against him   
“This is what I need,” Hailey said softly. “No tea, no food, nothing else. Just you here with me.”  
“Yeah,” Jay caressed her hair and slowly relaxed, closed his eyes. Suddenly he noticed how exhausted he was, his body and his mind. He yawned and heard a soft laugh.  
“You should lie down,” Hailey whispered.  
“No, I'm fine,” Jay put his feet up on the table.  
Even though he was sure he wouldn't fall asleep, Jay dozed off within minutes, as exhaustion mixed with relief.   
Hailey didn't sleep, but she was fine lying here with Jay. They hadn't talked about Jay's situation anymore back in the hospital, Hailey had respected Jay's reluctance to talk. She remembered vaguely that he had talked to someone in her room, she knew that a few people had visited. Jay looked better; even though he must have been tired, he appeared more positive than before. Perhaps something had changed? She hoped it so much, for Jay's sake. If her getting shot was what it took to somehow resolve this thing, it was worth it.

“So,” Jay started, when they were sitting over dinner later that day. “It seems I'll go back to 21st after all.”  
“You are?” Hailey was happy to hear that. “What happened?”  
“I'm not sure,” Jay admitted. “Voight asked me to. I guess.”  
“He did what?” Hailey smiled with relief. “Now that's a surprise. Do you know why?”  
“I have no idea.” Jay spoke slowly, a pause after each sentence. “Probably Trudy has something to do with it. Voight came to Med, and I think – I think he kind of tried to apologize in a way. Said he wanted me to come back. And said we would talk. I don't know what to think of it, to be honest.”  
Hailey shrugged. “I don't know either, Jay. But it sounds good, don't you think?”  
Jay smiled back at her. “Yes, it does.”  
Hailey put a hand on his, caressed his hand softly. “I hope Voight realizes how much he needs you. But Jay – please come back only if you're comfortable with this. Don't do it for Voight, for the Unit... or for me. I know I have said that I want you back with Intelligence, but it's more important that you are happy, content. The two of us, we will manage, whatever happens. But don't come back if you have doubts.”  
Jay placed her hand on his cheek, leaned against it. “I will think this through, Hailey. I promise. Thanks for being on my side, for not giving up.”  
“Always, Jay,” Hailey just said.  
“And by the way,” Jay added. “I think he knows we're a couple. I couldn't hide it.”  
“Well, if he still wants you back in the unit, it shouldn't be an issue.” 

During the following days, while Hailey was recovering, Jay spent a lot of time thinking about his situation, he and Hailey talked about it. He also talked to Trudy again, when she visited them. All this helped him a lot to see things clearer, and it led him to the decision to get professional help too. Not because of the situation in 21st, but because of his own reaction. Having an argument with your boss wasn't that unusual, quitting a job wasn't unusual, but his own reaction wasn't a healthy one. It had pulled him down badly, he had pushed people away who cared for him, loved him. That was something he would need to address, find reasons, ways out of this.   
And if Voight would do as promised, talk, change things, then things looked promising. In fact they talked briefly on the phone about when Jay would be back, and agreed to discuss this. 

Jay figured out two things, however, the two most important things. He wanted to have his job back, and he wanted to be with Hailey.   
The time they spent together during Hailey's recovery was good for them both. Hailey had to take it slow, but they could take long walks, could cook together, watch TV, just spend time together as a couple.   
The darkness slowly left Jay's mind, he looked into the future with more optimism than before. He realized he could manage, could overcome all problems – because he was strong enough, and he was not alone.

A week later both Jay and Hailey returned to 21st. Hailey had been to Med in the morning, had gotten the all clear from her doctor, and they were on their way. Both were nervous. How would Voight treat Jay? How would the others treat him? Hailey sensed that Jay was very anxious, and she tried to show him that she had his back without fussing too badly – he would hate that, they were very much alike in that.   
Everyone else was already in the office, when they came up the stairs, looked at them, greeted them. Kevin briefly hugged Hailey, smiled at Jay.  
“Good to have you back, bro,” he said.   
Very tense, Jay took off his jacket and put it over his chair, looked around. What now? Should he just sit down and get back to work? Or what? Voight's door was closed, but right before Jay sat down, it opened. Voight briefly nodded in Jay's direction, then approached Hailey first.  
“Good to have you back, Upton,” he said, before he turned to Jay.  
“Halstead, a word?”   
Jay nodded, suddenly feeling like a scared boy called to the principle. He briefly glanced in Hailey's direction, she nodded encouragingly. Jay breathed heavily. He'd be okay.   
The team watched Jay and Voight vanish in Voight's office, watched how Voight closed the door. And waited. They didn't hear a sound, just faint murmuring. Was that a good sign?   
Hailey wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not, she yearned to eavesdrop, to walk inside and be at Jay's side, but of course he needed and wanted to do this on his own. He was a grown man after all, not a kid. And he would do just fine. He had spent a lot of time and effort working on this problem. And he was stronger than he knew. 

It was more than half an hour later before the door to Voight's office opened again.   
Jay appeared in the doorway, then Voight. Nobody hid their curiosity, but all they got to see was Jay and Voight shaking hands, both looking relieved. With a nod, Jay approached his desk, sat down and looked at Hailey.  
She looked at him, willing him to tell her what was happening. Jay nodded briefly, then smiled at her.   
“Right,” Voight's voice interrupted their silent conversation. “We've got a case.”  
Jay stood up again, walked around the desk and sat down on Hailey's desk, right next to Hailey.   
“We'll work this out,” Jay said. “It's going to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I decided to leave it at this. I deliberately didn't elaborate on the talk between Jay and Voight - I leave that to your imagination completely. And Jay's getting help - that would be a completely new story in itself. Thanks for reading this, thanks for your helpful and kind comments. See you later with a new story


End file.
